steady drips

like that elusive dream,

slipping out between my fingers,

dripping through the gaps,

of my prayer-cupped hands

i can't remember your face,

anymore.

we're too cool for a patio

slipping on rooftiles
 one small step
  one wrong move
   cascading cacophony crushes,
    sliding slick-smooth,
     tipping tiles over,
      the roof edge

        that's what being with you is like.

you're no romeo

they paint you and me as

star cross'd lovers

sagittarius and aries are a match made in

heaven

and i'm more penelope

than juliet

i love you therefore, i am.

i'm there; pressing at the moans trapped,
between your vertebrae.
i'm there; curling in your spine, dormant,
your immunity fades,
and i am there;

under your skin.

ancient fossils

you're a lazy saturday afternoon,
with a good book,
as i trace the curve of your hip

it is written in our bones;
iheshe amiswillbe for youherhim.

them autumn leaves

i am the bitterest leaf,

lying on the ground,

press me into paperback pages.

remember me;

you are unforgettable

iris

green eyes,

like apples,

sweet

no, you say

green eyes,

like ivy,

poison

sorry, you say

green eyes,

like glass,

broken

the whole universe is there in your eyes,
and i am but a star.
a bright, burning, brilliant star.
your star.
and i can wait for
aeons.

loveleaks

she touches you softly,
softly over stressed, stretched skin;
no soul will spill,
seep into your skin,
from the grooves of her fingertips.

it's hard for her, not loving you.
it's easier to lie and say she doesn't.

pour ma belle.

viper

eyes, eyes, yellow eyes.
stop staring at me;
you lookin' for a fight?

teeth, teeth, long sharp teeth.
stop baring them at me.
can't you smile for once?

your words are like poison,
except there's no antidote,
not against you, anacondad
not against your special brand of poison,
the kind that burns and burns
like acrid acid in my blood;
hate.

but you know what?
i'll survive and i'll live and breathe and be
just fine without you.
what doesn't kill me, only makes me superfuckinghuman.

so come at me, viper.
i can do this.

["But no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."]

James 3:8

heartbreak tea

can you see that? pink and orange and red; the sky is bleeding like our hearts. meshing into dark blue, splattered with stars - not one of them shoot across the sky because we have nothing to wish for anymore.


can you smell that? smoke and fog and mist winding down our trachea, 'till our breaths are heavy with misery. it's killing heart cells too, but we have no use for those anymore.


can you feel that? grass beneath us, entwining with our fingers and hair until no one can remember where we end and where the ground begins. and the wind strokes our skin; mother nature mourns for us too.


can you hear that? a euphony of evening phoenixes rushing overhead and around us, the beat of their song bright and ashen on our lips. the moment of silence as the sun dips over the sky and life takes a breather; maybe, maybe we should too.


          do you remember making neverending
          lists of what we loved best? i wish we 
          could've sent them and i wish they'd 
          made lists for us.
                                                                    do you remember talking to me about how much
                                                                    we just wanted to run over there and scream out
                                                                    'i love you, i love you, i love you' and kiss them?
                                                                    i wish we could've done that and i wish they'd
                                                                    wanted to do it too.
          and do you remember the way we'd 
          stop breathing and thinking when
          they were around us? i love her.
                                                                    and do you remember how our horrible, scary
                                                                    days would just become perfect with one smile
                                                                    or hello and how we dreamt of them? i love him.
           i've forgotten how to smile and i just
           don't understand why i feel this hurt
           and shattered. she couldn't love me.
                                                                    i don't know what's up and down and the world
                                                                    has just stopped moving and i'll never be able to
                                                                    love anyone ever, ever again. he couldn't love me. 


can you taste that? cool and sweet and dry and bitter; it's heartbreak tea.


for c.rice
we'll watch that sunset, love.
pinky promise.

i curl up to sleep,

in the dimple of your cheek,

home is written in your smiles.

i don't mind waking up anywhere,

as long as you're next to me.

park echo

your fingers are splayed against my thigh,
eight fingers memorising the feel of my skin,
keeping the residue of my soul in the ridges,
climbing and gliding along my legs,
like a weary spider.

my breath is hot on your neck,
brushing lips are distracting
and it distracts you; i know
because you told me so.

i miss you, sometimes.

wish on a balloon; stars are overrated

imagine:
             hopes and wishes written in acres of green and purple ink, joined by simple commas and
             neverending.
             i'd tie them to kites and hot air balloons and watch them fly away
             hope that they reach God
             or you.

imagine:
             leaning over the edge of the basket and seeing it all; the blue sheets and patchwork green quilt that
             mother nature sleeps in. she doesn't seem to know quite how to make her bed and she's left the
             whole wide world
             as rumpled as the bed
             we sleep in at night.

imagine:
             flying higher and higher than icarus could ever imagine and never falling because our wings aren't
             wax; they're real and you can feel each feather gliding against the wind.
             we'll wave to the hot air balloons
             as we fly up to cloud ten
             or even heaven.

(you should know that there's really only one thing written on that long piece; how much i want the
spaces between my fingers to be taken up by yours.
i've just written it in a million different tongues in case God doesn't speak English.)

warm summer nights with you

it would only ever be natural,
no airplanes in the sky masquerading as shooting stars,
no buildings that disrupt our horizon,
no asphalt on the ground to scrape our knees,


and winds would freeze  a l o n e
and stars would break  a p a r t
and moons would melt  a w a y,
when you laugh.

growing up and moving on

your poison seeps through each cell of my skin and mutates me into a ball of suspicions and fear and jealousy. each of your words play over and over in my mind and all i can think is why am i not good enough for anyone ever. i'm so tired of keeping everyone else's pain and misery in mind. i'm so tired of looking after you and watching your back only to have myself stomped to vicious pieces just because you felt like it. i'm tired of being shattered by people that i actually care about. i have a heart too. i get hurt too. i cry too.

grow up and take responsibility for your actions; it's not like i haven't told you what the fuck the problem is.

and that's when it hits me.

i am good enough; i've always been good enough. it's you who's lacking, it's you that's the problem.

if you want to leave, just fucking leave already.

(stop putting on fake tears and smiles and love yous.

you're tainting the word love, and making me taint it too 

[love you, love you, fuck you, fuck you.]

and that's not fair to everyone else i really, really love.)

i won't stop you.

and i won't cry for you.

ever

ever

again.

[the circle is finally broken.]

crumbling sandcastles

old man, old man,

you used to live in a castle, all turrets and towers,

embedded with gems of red and green and blue,

embroidered with gold;

it was fool's gold and

rome wasn't built on rage or jealousy,

and you're a fool to forget.

princesses and princes and a mistress,

kept your castle safe with you as the king,

kept you safe from the crocodile smiles in the moat below,

but not the crocodile tears, when they show

and you lost it all to the queen,

-- i could’ve never been your princess and you were

never my king.

old man, poor man,

i am your daughter not a princess

not just another rhinestone

to decorate&adorn your

crumbling sandcastle

with anymore,

dad.

diamond lights

have i ever told you how much i love your voice,

it washes over me and sparks that over-familiar fire

across my nerves 

like

the way the stars will burn across the sky at the end of the world

have i ever told you how much i love your eyes,

there might be sapphires and the sky and an ocean

unravelling in your eyes

and

it's all okay because you're looking at me, looking at me

have i ever told you much i love your mind,

thoughts flowing and linking together

like all the amazonian rivers in south america

but

they're seas of pearls and diamonds and liquid gold

have i ever told you how much i love you,

how you make my budding heart bloom into red carnations

that erupt into bright light bursts

so

do i need to tell you how much i love you, really.

sapphire serenades

stay with me, tonight.
i want to make love to you,
and your eyes will go supernova like the stars,
and your lids shut-flutter to keep this in place forever,
and your mouth fall open just like that,
and your fingers and that voice
will curl around my thighs and heart,
singing my name.

and we'll do this, i promise,
i'll move to the sound of your baritone,
crushing and pushing my name,
it comes tumbling and crumbling,
out between your lips and that one place
coiled up nice and tight and hidden away will
burst open and be engulfed
by flames of gold and red,
and blue and purple,
colourblind ourselves with passion,
and it will be a kaleidoscopic memory
burned into our beings.


the heat will consume us,
twisting up inside and licking up my sides,
followed by your traveller's hands
as you play me like a harp,
burning you from the inside-out
in the best way possible and
i know you won't be able to
bear this heat so i'll press cooling
kisses to your chest and wrists and just
here. oh. just like that?

i want to see how your skin,
melts against mine and how
your mouth will press against mine,
so close that there is no difference
anymore between you and me,
press closer, pull tighter, move faster until
there's are no particles or atoms or
anything between us anymore,
and it'll be perfect as i run
my tongue and my slippery-
split-secrets across
[i love you i love you i love you.]
your pulse-point, and maybe
you'll shiver and gasp and grip my hips
just that much tighter,
there are infinite infinities between us,
but we'll get there,


let me make love to you,
and let me sing for you
words i will never sing
for no one else
ever again,
okay,
la-la la la-la la.

nocturnal

"Psst, are you awake?"


"...Now I am, you twat."


He's standing there, shivering in the cold wind outside her windowsill and she can't help but scowl at him. Still, she turns around to check if her roommates are still awake before unlocking the door and letting him in. He rubs his arms to warm himself up as she shuffles back to bed.


"You guys all fell asleep."


"Yeah, don't sound so disappointed. It's three fucking ay-em and we all waited four hours for the rest of you. So, buy-bye."


"Aw, come on! I can't sneak back out now."


She replies simply - it's not her problem. She lays herself down in the now-cold bed  gingerly and wraps the blankets as best she can around herself. There is a creak and the mattress depresses as he sets himself down on it and selfishly pulls the blankets off her.


"What do you think you're doing?!"


"...Sleeping."


He sounds so matter-of-fact and tired that she can't do anything but huff at him and shuffle closer, smiling to herself when his chin rests on her head and his one leg slides above hers as he places his hand neutrally on her waist. Her lips are an a scant millimetre away from his clavicle and her smaller fingers curl into his side as she shuffles closer, her body resting on his.


"'Night,"


"Night."


[Nothing feels like  h o m e  the way you do.]

tick-tock, tick-tock

"You're--"

Of course. Of course I am. I couldn't possibly know that I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life and make you breakfast and kiss your nose. I couldn't possibly think about curling up next to you to read a book on a cold day and having your head in my lap when we watch a late night movie. Couldn't possibly want to do up your tie and iron your clothes and race with you in the shopping centre. 

                                 "--just--"

Of course, I couldn't possibly know that my heart stops just at hearing your name and go into myocardial infarction when you walk near me and have chest pains at the thought someone else loving you and you loving them back. I couldn't possibly want more for you in life than what you have and want to know more about you and might like to go out for a coffee sometime. Couldn't possibly need you or need to see your or hear you or feel you nearby to just stay okay.

                                                                "--too--"

Of course, I couldn't possibly know exactly how I want to touch you and where and how. I couldn't possibly imagine the exact details of warming your bed, and your chairs and your tables. Couldn't possibly want you to to make love with me and touch me and just kiss me with tongue and teeth. 

                                                                                                                        "--young."

Of course, I'm young for now. Not forever. there won't be much difference, soon.

i'll heart you 'til then

One day, we'll lie down under that sky and be able to say i fucking love you, you bitch. We'll hold hands as we go through the midnight markets and buy ice blended drinks without being stared at like freaks. We'll kiss under the sun and go hiking and not have people ask oh, would you like one for your daughter, too. We'll press skintoskin and mouthtomouth and hearttoheart and no one will call me scarlet woman or you cradle-robber.

You don't believe me, but it will happen and we'll revolutionise the way people love. In the meantime, I'll write and think and dream about you instead until you can come along with enough courage to make something better in reality.

you've only been waiting seventeen years, love, for someone like me and it's about damned time you had a chance to be happy.

crossed your fingers

"I promise you, I'll be here when it all falls down."

"Really?"

Do you remember?

Your hair was long and the heat clung to our skin and there were tears streaming down your face when you told me you missed him. I knew - I always know, don't you know? - knew how that felt more than anyone. And then, came the secrets, spilling forth from my mouth as easily as the lies, choking and burning my throat with their intensity and coal-like taste (not everything has a happy ending, love).

Do you remember?

We sat, side by side, thighs pressed together as the corners of old tomes dug into our backs. You toss your lank, black locks back and shoot me a tentative smile. When I said I wouldn't tell anyone, I meant - mean - forever. And your own secrets burst out from pressed lips but they were light and airy and dissapeared into insignificance as soon as they were uttered. Mine settled on our shoulders, like soot on statues.

Do you remember?

One day, side by side the two of you. Your hair cut short and yours dyed brown. Matching clothes and voices and inside jokes. Arms around shoulders and secrets that shine. I'm not part of this anymore, surprise, surprise.

Do you remember?

Leaving me behind? Because I sure as hell fucking don't.

"Really."

i apologize for nothing.

x

"I mean, look at her! Her chest is so huge, I feel tiny in comparison to just that."

"Yeah, you are kind of small, aren't you?"

"Is it enough?"

A hand reaches out to brush her breast and then, breathily;

"Yeah."

x

(we were so young, so naive. but you never stay like that; not for long.) 

"

    I still remember; warm brown eyes and soft gold scarves and hesitant wandering fingers.

    I told you I was lost and you said you couldn't find yourself - but we were never more lost than when we were with each other.

    I'm a coward, I'll freely admit that. You scared me, you know - terrified me. Your carefree - almost eager - attitude towards death. The ease that you patched yourself up after heartbreak. And your arrogance - arrogance that I once found ohso charming - that let you presume that I'd marry you one day and we'd have kids and I'd name the first two and you'd name the last two.

    But then, I saw it. It. The cruel, cold pleasure in your eyes as you threatened your own death; the uncaring tilt of your lips (I used to call them smiles but they're more like knives now, glinting in the light); the selfish, selfish fingers that only took and took and took.

    I'd like to tell you the truth, someday. Because...I did care about you, I did. And while I couldn't help but wish your toffee-eyes were sky-blue; that you were a bit shorter, a bit leaner - I know that you couldn't help but wish that my henna-eyes were just that bit lighter, that my hair was blonde(thenredandthenblack;whichiswhyyoustartedtalkingtomeagain) and my lips were thinner.

    Oh, yes, I used you. But you...you used me too.

"